Bach to the Bean

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Two centuries before Bessie Smith sang Black Coffee and the Ink Spots did the Java Jive, coffee lover Johann Sebastian Bach wrote his Coffee Cantata No. 211.

Bach Coffee Cantata No. 211 - Turnabout/Vox Records TV 34071S

The cantata – subtitled “Be still, stop chattering (Schweigt stille, plaudert nicht)” – was written around 1732. At the time, Germany was caught in the grip of the caffeine craze. The city of Leipzig alone boasted eight coffee shops, including Zimmerman’s Caffe House, where Bach premiered the piece to a wildly buzzed and enthusiastic crowd.

Opinion was divided on whether this popular new drink was a magic potion or Satan’s own sauce. One thing, though, was certain: Johann Sebastian had a hit on his hands.

Why do you think we call it Joe?

Here then is what we at Vinyl Perk consider the Bach-n-roller’s finest work:

COFFEE CANTATA (No. 211)
1. Recitative/Narrator
Be silent, do not talk,
And listen to what happens now.
Here comes Herr Schlendrian with his daughter Lieschen
He is grumbling like a bear.
Hear for yourself the cause of his complaint.
2. Aria/Schlendrian
Don’t our children give us a hundred thousand headaches!
What I keep telling my daughter Lieschen everyday is of no avail.
3. Recitative/Schlendrian
You stubborn child, you wicked girl.
Oh, when shall I have my way
Give up coffee!
Lieschen
My father, don’t be so severe.
If I can’t drink my bowl of coffee three times a day,
Then in my torment,
I will shrivel up like a piece of roast goat.
4. Aria/Lieschen
Oh, how sweetly tastes the coffee,
More lovely than a thousand kisses, milder yet than Muscatel.

Bach likes some moog with his mocha

Lieschen
Coffee, coffee I must have.
And if someone wants to please me, then pour coffee in my cup.
5. Recitative/Schlendrian
If you won’t give up coffee there’ll be no wedding for you,
Nor will I permit you to go for a walk.
Lieschen
Well, yes.
But let me keep my coffee.
Schlendrian
There, I have the little monkey.
I shall not give you a whalebone dress in the latest fashion.
Lieschen
That also wouldn’t bother me.
Schlendrian
You shall not go to the window to see people passing by.
Lieschen
This too, but let me only beg you not to deprive me of my coffee.
Schlendrian
And furthermore you shall have no gold or silver ribbon for your hat.
Lieschen
Very well, but let me have my pleasure.
Schlendrian
You naughty Lieschen,
So you give up everything?
6. Aria/Schlendrian
Maidens of a stubborn nature are not easily won over.
But once we find a soft spot,
Our troubles will be at an end.
7. Recitative/Schlendrian
Now, do as your father tells you.
Lieschen
In every way but coffee.
Schlendrian 
Well then, you’ll have to resign yourself never to have a husband.
Lieschen
Oh yes, father, a husband!
Schlendrian
I swear that you shall not have one.
Lieschen
Until I renounce coffee
Now coffee, farewell forever!
Listen father, I shall no longer drink it.
Schlendrian
Then, at last, you shall have a husband.
8. Aria/Lieschen
Yes today,
Dearest father, find one please
Oh, a husband is just what I want!
If only it would work out soon that, before my bedtime,
I’ll have a gallant lover instead of coffee.
9. Recitative/Narrator
Now old Schlendrian goes out,
And tries to find a husband for his daughter Lieschen.
But Lieschen secretly serves notice: no suitor will be admitted to my house,
Unless he promises me himself,
And adds it to the marriage contract,
That I shall be permitted
To brew coffee whenever I please.
10. Finale/Trio
Cats must have their mice,
And maidens their coffee.
Mother loves coffee, and so does grandma.
So, why condemn the daughters?

The Magnificent Mullets of Mr. Mister

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One reason for the lasting appeal of the 1980s is hair. Specifically, the mullet. Who can tire of the trendy tresses that topped the pop stars of that decade?

And no band took their mullets more seriously than Mr. Mister. From the macho cascade of Richard Page to the sly upswoop of Steve George.

Angry Young Mane

Fancy Follicles

Check out Pat Mastelotto’s playful plumage and the top-heavy tangle of Steve Farris. Long story short (at least on the top) … Mr. Mister were mullet maestros.

Blowdried Bonanza

Poodlicious!

Their tasteful brand of melodic pop rock holds up as well as their hair – and requires considerably less shellac. Be not deceived. There was musical muscle beneath those mullets.

After the band split up in the late 80s the individual members went on to work with the likes of Rod Stewart, King Crimson, The Sugarcubes, 4 Non Blondes, The Rembrandts, Robyn Hitchcock, XTC and more.

Welcome to the Real World (RCA 1985)

The high hair mark for Mr. Mister came in 1985 with their second release “Welcome to The Real World.” Two singles from that LP rose to Number 1 – one of which, Broken Wings, is the best song ever inspired by Khalil Gibran. In 1986 the locks-laden lads were nominated for a Grammy as Best Pop Band, losing to Every Other Musician on the Planet (also known as the benefit ensemble USA For Africa).

All hail Mr. Mister and their mighty mullets!

Buy the LP “Welcome to the Real World” here.

Why Vinyl Records and Coffee?

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  1. Because they are both black and delicious.
  2. Because they are stimulating.
  3. Because Bach wrote a cantata for coffee and Ruth Etting sang “You’re the Cream in My Coffee.”
  4. Because they have been around a long time and still work fine.
  5. Because black coffee in bed is one of life’s little pleasures and a great song by Squeeze.
  6. Because neither requires upgrades, plug-ins, lithium batteries, adaptors, widgets, warranties, or earbuds.
  7. Because there is magic in the groove and grind.
  8. Because they are warm.
  9. Because I like coffee and I like tea and I like the java jive and it likes me.
  10. Because a band named Cream had a song called “Strange Brew” with God on lead guitar.